


Never Regretting a Moment

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: C.J. McGarry: Second Lady [7]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:31:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6654442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...that didn't stop her from crying on the bed she lost her virginity in.  The bed where she first painted her toenails cotton candy pink, and wrote her first letter to Toby Ziegler.  The room where her father taught her the waltz and she first heard Carolina on my Mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Regretting a Moment

"Dammit, will someone answer the phone!" 

CJ pulled the box from the top of the closet. She dropped it at her feet, covering her head as a barrage of other things fell down on her. Muttering expletives, CJ dropped the box on the loveseat in the corner of the bedroom. Mitch appeared in the doorway. 

"CJ, its Kevin." 

"Who?" 

"Kevin." 

"Kevin who?" 

"You brother CJ." 

"Oh. Tell him I can't talk right now but I won't forget to mail the boys' gifts and I am sorry that I forgot to call him on his birthday." 

"No CJ, you need to take this call." 

CJ looked at him for a moment, and then reached out for the cordless. 

"Hey Kev. I am sure you can imagine how crazy it is here right now. We are trying..." 

"Dad's dead Claudia." 

CJ sank down on the loveseat but missed and hit the floor. 

"Oh God. When?" 

"A couple of hours ago." 

"Hours? Why are you just calling me now! The hospital should have notified me! Leo!" 

Her piercing shrill sent him running through the house and up the stairs much faster than a man his age should. He crouched beside her on the floor. 

"Baby, what's wrong?" 

"Daddy." She was nearly incoherent as she dropped the phone to the floor. 

Leo picked it up, running his fingers through her hair as she sobbed. 

"Hello. Who is this?" 

"Where is my sister?" 

"She is sobbing uncontrollably on the floor. You want to tell me what the hell is going on Kevin?" 

"My father died three hours ago." 

"What? Why didn't the hospital call us?" 

"I don't know. Tell Claudia I will call her later." 

He hung up without as much as a goodbye. The hate coursing through the relationship between Leo McGarry and the Cregg men was well documented. Leo helped his wife off the floor and onto the bed. She was still sobbing. 

"OK, its OK baby." 

Leo enveloped her in his arms as she curled into a ball. He leaned on his pillow, stroking her hair and waiting for it to pass. Nearly forty minutes went by before CJ pulled her tearstained face from his tee shirt. 

"Why didn't they call me?" she asked. 

"I don't know." 

"I have to go to Dayton. I have to plan his funeral." 

Leo nodded. 

"I know. We'll get you a ticket on the next flight." 

"It doesn't work that way for us anymore Leo." 

"Oh, yeah. OK, we'll get a private plane out. Do you need me to be there?" 

"Yes, but I do not want the press there. I can't stand that now. I'll get Nora." 

Leo wanted to be there with her. He did not like that she was pushing him away. Still, he just nodded. 

"You need to get some rest...I'll call Nora. I will get the wheels rolling." 

"I need my purse. It's on the chair." 

Leo got up and CJ lay down on the bed. He handed her the purse, watching as she retrieved a bottle of pills. She washed one down with the can of Pepsi on the nightstand. 

"What is that?" Leo asked. 

"Something to help me relax." CJ replied. 

Leo snatched the purse. Pulling the bottle out, he ignored the shocked and angry look in his wife's steel blue eyes. 

"Who in the hell wrote you a prescription for Valium?" 

"It helps me relax." 

"Answer me." 

"None of your business, I am a grown woman." 

"CJ!" he bellowed. 

"Dr. Bartlet." She whispered. 

"Goddamn her." 

Leo went to the top of the stairs and called Mitch. When the nanny got to the stairs, he handed him the pill bottle. 

"Flush these down the nearest toilet." He said. 

"OK." 

He went back into the room...CJ was already falling asleep. Leo took her hand. 

"You don't need those CJ, ever. How long have you been taking them?" 

"A few weeks, here and there. I am not addicted to Valium." 

"I know baby. No one starts off addicted to Valium." He ran his fingers through her hair. "Why didn't you come to me?" 

"I didn't want the lecture. I am so mad at you." 

"You took Valium to spite me?" Leo asked. 

"I don't know Leo." She was slipping. Leo put his fingers on her lips. 

"Stop talking, and just rest. I love you." 

He kissed her forehead and left the room. 

***

"What's happening?" Nora walked into Leo's study. 

"I need you to go to Dayton with CJ. Her father died this morning." 

"Dammit." She sat in the chair. 

"Where is she? Why aren't you going?" 

"She's asleep. The plane leaves at 8 tonight out of Andrews. It was too much of a bitch to get a commercial flight with all the Secret Service protocol. Air Force Two doesn't belong to me yet." 

"Leo..." 

"She doesn't want me there. She doesn't want the press there. They follow me around these days. Can you go with her please?" 

"Yeah. My sister has the kids for a week; I can take the time." 

"And Toby?" Leo asked. 

"He's a grown man...I will call him every night to make sure that he eats." Nora stood. "I have to pack." 

Leo nodded, standing also. 

"I'll be back in a couple of hours. Give CJ my love." 

"Thank you Nora." 

"Sure." 

***

CJ woke up in the dark. She lay on her back for a few minutes before reaching for the light. Leo squinted against the sudden invasion. 

"What are you doing?" she asked, sitting up to look at him. 

"I wanted to hold you, but I thought it might wake you. I have you on an 8 o'clock flight out of Andrews. I packed some things for you." 

"Badly I bet. Nora is going with me?" 

"Yeah. Her kids are with her sister. She sends her condolences and love." 

"The sister?" 

"Nora, CJ. How long have you been taking Valium?" 

"I already told you." 

"How long? I don't want to hear a couple of weeks here and there. You've been...erratic for a while." 

"Do not lecture me. My father is dead Leo...do not lecture me. I am not addicted to Valium." 

"You have to get ready to catch a plane." Leo said. 

He went to leave the room. The sound of her voice stopped him. 

"He never wanted me to marry you; hated the thought of surrendering me at the altar. He said you could never make me happy. He always wanted to know what the hell I was thinking. Once, when he first got sick, he said if it was just the sex he would have accepted my living in sin. Nothing I said could ever make him change his mind." 

"Do you regret not listening to him?" Leo asked. 

"Sometimes." CJ sat up. "I need to take a shower." 

"I am sorry that I hurt and disappoint you sometimes Claudia Jean." 

"Please don't call me that right now. I need to shower. Are the kids...?" 

"I sent them out with Mitch. They should be home soon. I told them about their grandfather." 

"I should have told them Leo." 

She went into the bathroom and closed the door. Leo picked up the phone to call Manchester. 

***

"I want to know what the hell you were thinking, prescribing Valium to my wife." 

"Leo, you might want to curb..." 

"Abbey, I could give a damn. Experience should have taught you not to be so careless with your pen. Tell me when she came to you." 

"There is such a thing as doctor-patient confidentiality." 

"I love you Abbey, but if you were in front of me right now I would wring your neck. You gave CJ a controlled substance...a substance I am addicted to." 

"She was in trouble when I finally got to her Leo. You had a heart attack, Jed was sick, and you both were pretending to be stronger than you are. She had two small children and a new job that was spinning out of control. Then you pull the stunt to end all stunts. CJ felt as if she had been hit with a 2x4 from behind." 

"So you put her on a controlled substance? Brilliant Abbey, that's the perfect solution. There wasn't a single shrink you could think of? There wasn't another drug you could give her to relax? She shouldn't have gone to you in the first place...your specialty is thoracic medicine." 

"Well she did, and I was not going to be another person who loves her and let her down." 

"I don't like the implication." 

"Oh gosh, I am so sorry." 

"I want to know when my wife came to you, and confidentiality be damned. I will come to Manchester, so help me God, and you will wish you told me over the phone." 

"Don't you threaten me Leo McGarry!" 

"Dammit Abbey! She was in trouble...she didn't need drugs. Her father died this morning and she was popping a pill. When did you prescribe them?" 

"After you ran off to Cuba." Abbey finally answered. 

"What! That was February." 

"I know when it was. You ran off to a communist country in the dead of night while your wife slept. You didn't even leave a note. She was so worried that she threw up. She had to learn the whereabouts of her husband from the President of the United States." 

"I don't care; it's not an excuse. You poisoned her." 

"You are being overdramatic. It doesn't suit you Leo." 

"Who are you talking to Leo?" CJ said, walking into the study. 

"I have to go." Leo abruptly hung up. He tried to smile at his wife. 

"Your girlfriend?" CJ asked. "I thought I told you that she was no longer allowed to call here." 

"She couldn't help it...just had to hear my voice." 

CJ came and sat on his lap, burying her face in the crook of his neck. Leo rubbed her back. 

"You've got to leave in a little while. Nora is going to meet us at Andrews...so is Hogan." 

"What? Hogan called?" 

"I called her and asked her to be with you. You need as much support as possible since I can't be with you. I will be at the funeral CJ, I may bring the press with me." 

"I don't care. I need you there...I need you now Leo." 

"What?" 

She stood, leading him to the couch. 

"I should apologize for what I said upstairs. I have never regretted a single moment with you." 

He pulled her down onto his lap on the couch. 

"I love you Claudia." 

"I love you too." 

***

"If you want you can come to work for me after you graduate in December." CJ said. "The Vice-President's office will look fantastic on your resume." 

"I think a Bachelor's degree from Vassar will look good too. That is nepotism at its worse CJ." Hogan replied. 

"Lesson #1 of the real world my darling; it is not what you know but who you know." 

Hogan smiled. The three women were on the private plane sipping martinis and smoking Marlboro Lights. Nora kept looking at CJ without looking at her. She was in pain, but the mask was firmly placed on her face. It wouldn't be slipping anytime soon, if at all. 

"Your office or Uncle Leo's?" Hogan asked. 

"Mine." CJ replied. 

"Yeah." Nora added. "The goof offs in the Vice-President's office don't need someone pretty to look at. Those slugs wouldn't ever get any work done." 

"Is Josh Lyman still working with you?" 

He will be working with President Santos. Why?" 

"He is so cute." 

The women laughed. 

"I don't care if you ogle Josh all day. The second he looks back at you I am going to kick his ass." 

Hogan laughed. 

"I am 22 years old." Hogan reasoned. 

"Yeah, and Josh is 2 years older than me." CJ said. 

"That is just a bit more of an age difference than you and Uncle Leo." 

CJ opened her mouth to object, but nothing came out. Nora laughed. 

"She got you there sweetie. Nice job Hogan." 

The younger woman high-fived Nora. CJ laughed. 

"OK, you did get me. You win." 

She sat back and watched as Nora and Hogan talked about the politics of the WLC and Deborah Martin, the newest director. According to Hogan, feminism no longer existed. 

"We need to reinvigorate the revolution...we have become too complacent." She said. 

"Spoken like a true girl raised in the suburbs." CJ replied. 

***

CJ insisted on staying at the hotel with Nora. No way in hell was she sleeping in the bed she did as a teenager. Hogan said she was fine staying at the house...she would clean it and prepare for dinner after the funeral. 

"Why didn't your father come?" CJ asked the question that had plagued her since Kevin called her this morning. 

"They're dealing with a merger at work." Hogan replied. "It is the perfect excuse for him to come to town only for the funeral. As soon as Gramps got real sick, when you put him in the nursing home, dad shut down. They left you to deal with it CJ, and they're doing it again." 

CJ nodded. That was certainly true. It had always been that way in the Cregg family, ever since her mother died. It was why CJ ran to California for college...she could not stand taking care of the Cregg men anymore. The limo dropped Hogan at the house. Even after CJ put her father in the home, she could not stand to sell the house. 

"If anything is wrong, like no heat or hot water, please call us." CJ said. 

"Yeah. If not, expect me to call tomorrow." 

***

"Are you alright?" Nora asked. 

She watched CJ change into mesh shorts that were obviously Leo's and a Princeton tee shirt. 

"Yeah. Did you speak to Toby?" 

"He said the apartment was too empty. He wants you to call if you need anything. I am going to say this and you're not allowed to take it the wrong way." 

"OK." CJ sat on her bed and lit a cigarette. 

"If you need Toby for anything, and you don't want to talk to me, please don't hesitate to call him. I know he is your best friend and he knew your father." 

"Dad loved Toby. Once he asked me if I was going to marry the intelligent, neurotic morose young man. I told him no, and he asked me why. I told him he'd answered his own question." 

Nora smiled. CJ reached out for her hand. 

"I am glad you're here. Considering I am going to wear the mask of strength and composure for the rest of the week, I need someone here to push me if need be. Toby can't do it because sometimes the cascade of emotions is too overwhelming for him and he retreats. You know that already. Light a cigarette so I won't feel bad." 

"Leo thinks I am an enabler." Nora replied, lighting a cigarette from the pack on the nightstand. 

"Oh yeah right. I noticed every once in a while that he smells like tobacco. He knows he should not smoke...at least I am reasonably healthy. I have to call him before I go to sleep." 

"Did you really not want him to come to the funeral?" 

"God no. I just don't want to be surrounded by the press as I try to bury my father. Nora, you know I never wanted to be the Second Lady. I refuse to let my father's sickness and passing become front-page news. Leo knows about the Valium." 

Nora didn't want to say I told you so, but when she caught CJ popping one at the barbecue in Manchester this past August, she told her friend it should be her last one. 

"I am not addicted to Valium." CJ said. "I use them every once in a while." 

"That's how it always starts. I am going to look out for you CJ...it's about to get crazy." 

"About to? Don't worry, Leo had Mitch flush the pills down the toilet. I am not going to refill the prescription." 

***

In two days CJ, Nora, and Hogan planned the funeral for Talmridge Cregg. They sent out the notices to all his friends and acquaintances in Dayton. Hogan made the out of town phone calls, including the White House senior staff. 

"Josh Lyman." 

"Hey Josh...its Hogan Cregg." 

"Hey you. How crafty are you? How did you get my cell phone number?" 

"Every insider in the District has Josh Lyman's cell number." She replied. "Actually, CJ gave it to me. I am making the phone calls. My grandfather died Sunday and his funeral is going to be on Thursday here in Dayton." 

"How is CJ?" 

"Holding herself together like she always does. If you could be here the family would appreciate it." 

"I wish I could, but I'll be in Texas with the President-elect. I leave tomorrow morning. Are you alright?" 

"Yeah. He was sick Josh, for a long time. His death was something expected. I had been preparing for the phone call in Poughkeepsie for years. I have to go now." 

"Look Hogan, don't lose my number OK?" 

"OK. Thanks Josh." 

"I have a few minutes to talk if you want." 

"I do want, but I have to make these calls. Rain check?" 

"Hell yeah. You take care. Bye." 

"Bye." 

***

"Hey babe." 

CJ looked up from the hole she was burning in the rug. She was in the bedroom of her youth, and nothing had changed. The Joni Mitchell and Jim Morrison posters were still there. So was the album cover for Elton John's _Goodbye Yellow Brick Road_ and Linda Ronstadt's _Blue Bayou_. There were pictures from the senior prom stuck to her mirror. Mike Kerrigan...the love of her young life. The Teddy bear her mother sewed for her when she was five years old still held court at the head of her bed. The bed covered with the quilt her grandmother made. Pictures of her and her father on the boat the day she caught the eight-pound striper. 

Leo had never been in her bedroom before. As he looked around, he felt the next time he looked at her she would be 15. They would pack up many of those things and take them back to Washington. 

"Everyone downstairs wants to see you." 

CJ shook her head but didn't cry. 

"I really don't want to do that right now. Can we just stay up here for a while? I want your arms around me." 

Leo held her. They lay back on the bed; CJ took hold of the Teddy bear. 

"My mother made this for me. After she died, my father said that her heart was in it. I was old enough to know better but I believed him anyway." 

Leo nodded, holding her tighter. 

"Why don't people just die? Why don't they just cease to be? There always has to be some prolonged illness or unimaginable pain. I am practically the President's nursemaid and my father died in a nursing home in Dayton." 

"Your father was in the best private facility in the state." Leo replied. "He refused to let you give up the gifts that had been bestowed upon you so that you could watch him deteriorate. He loved you too much for your lasting memories of him to be as a sick man." 

CJ agreed, but that did not stop her from crying on the bed she lost her virginity in. The bed where she first painted her toenails cotton candy pink, and wrote her first letter to Toby Zeigler. The room where her father taught her the waltz and where she first heard _Carolina on my Mind._

"I want to take away all your pain CJ. You've taken on too much in this last year." 

"Its life Leo, and I deal with it." 

"A lot of it was my fault." He said. 

"Stop it. Don't make today about you and the problems we may have. Today is about my father." 

Hogan poked her head in the door. 

"CJ, some people are leaving and want to say goodbye. Shall I tell them to go?" 

She shook her head, sitting up. Leo sat up too. 

"I'll be down in a few minutes honey. I'll wash my face." 

"Yeah. Wanna stiff drink?" 

"Bless you Hogan. Get Uncle Leo some Coke...he needs a sugar high. And stop being so chatty with Joshua Lyman." 

Hogan laughed, shaking her head as she went down the stairs. 

"Come on baby." Leo stood up and helped her from the bed. 

CJ kissed him softly. He twirled his finger through her reddish gold hair. 

"You are a survivor CJ, and I am here to help." 

"Yeah. I'm going to wash my face." 

***

"You're really going to drive back?" Nora asked. 

She and CJ stood on the porch smoking cigarettes. It was a frigid early November morning. Their husbands were inside having breakfast and coffee with Hogan and Josh. CJ was not overly fond of all this attention he was giving to her niece. Hogan crushing on Josh was fine...Josh showing Hogan any kind of attention was unacceptable. 

"Leo and I love long drives. We have serious conversations, lots of laughs; it's good for us. We need it right now. It's only 8 hours; the same distance between Manchester and DC." 

"OK. Do you need me to watch Josh like a hawk and report his every move back to you?" 

CJ nodded, laughing out loud. It felt good to do that. 

"I am giving you permission to punch him as often as possible." 

Nora nodded. They did their secret handshake and hip bump. That made them laugh again. Hogan came to the front door. 

"You guys want some breakfast? You should come in now...it's freezing out here." 

"We'll be there in a minute." CJ replied. 

They lit another cigarette as she closed the door. 

"For the road." They said in unison. Neither of their men were overly fond of the smoking thing. Nora, who had significantly cut her cigarette intake since becoming a wife and mother, was CJ's enabler. Unless she was joining in with the others giving CJ dirty looks if she lit up one too many. 

"How are you really CJ? About everything?" 

CJ shrugged. 

"Making it. I don't have any other choice. I feel like if I stop, I may not have the strength or the inclination to begin again. My solution, probably not the best, is to keep going. I'll be fine...Leo and I will be fine. He is the love of my life Nora. I would fall over a cliff with him. Maybe I already have." 

"When the shit hits the fan in January, you will not be alone." 

"Yeah. I am really happy about that. I need my family." 

They walked into the house and back to the kitchen. Nora put her hands on top of Toby's head. He yelped, comparing her hands to icicles. Then she touched his neck. 

"Dammit Nora, stop that." 

The three women laughed. Leo looked at his wife; the laughter was real. 

"How come you are hitching a ride with us Josh? I thought you were already supposed to be in Texas with the President-elect." CJ said. 

"I got my priorities straight." He said. "I told Matt there was a death in the family." 

CJ squeezed his hand. She saw the way Hogan smiled at him and she squeezed tighter. 

"Ow! CJ...losing blood flow to hand. Pain." 

She leaned in to whisper. 

"Remember that feeling every time you have any kind of lascivious thoughts of my niece." 

"I'll be sure to. I feel bad for Charlie's first boyfriend." 

"You should." Hogan said. "Uncle Leo is going to make that poor kid pee himself." 

They all laughed. It was time to go. Hogan cleared the dishes; Josh insisted on helping. Everyone made sure that all they needed for the drive was packed in the cars but CJ stood on the fringes watching her niece. Josh and Toby carried three boxes of mementos down to CJ's waiting Buick Century. There were hugs and kisses as they separated. 

"Call me when you get in." Nora said. 

CJ nodded, kissing her cheek. She took hold of her niece. 

"Think about the job offer honey. And stop staring at Josh." 

Hogan smiled. 

"I am a grown woman CJ...I have it all under control. If there is one thing my favorite aunt taught me it is to grab what I want. You used to tell me to grab life by the balls. Drive safely." 

"Thanks. I meant life, not him. If you start anything, which is altogether possible since he has no moral fibers in that department, I want to know nothing about it. Deal?" 

"Deal." 

They hugged once more and then she climbed into the backseat of the Explorer with Josh. 

"Here we go Mrs. McGarry. Another 8 hour trip." 

CJ got into the driver's seat, buckling herself in. 

"If traffic isn't too bad we should be home before the kids go to bed. I can't wait to hug and kiss them." 

Leo nodded, obeying his wife when she told him to buckle up. Then he slipped a CD in the player. 

"What's that?" CJ asked. 

"I made it myself. Well, Mitch helped because our home computer hates me. Just some songs that remind me of you...of us." 

CJ smiled as she drove down Market Street. She honked when she saw Natalie Ritter. The first song was _Anticipation_. 

"This song definitely has a lot of memories." She said. 

"I tried to put them in some kind of order. I love you CJ." 

She looked at him. 

"I love you too. Will you kill Josh if he sleeps with Hogan?" 

"Damn right I will. Remember the doghouse Sam was in when he tried to date Mallory?" 

CJ laughed. She reached over and rubbed her husband's thigh. 

"Let's just have a blast on this trip home." She said. "Like we used to, OK? Forget everything and focus on you and I in the Buick." 

"That shouldn't be a problem. I love you." 

"You said that already." 

"Just a little reaffirmation. Here comes our song." 

_Your Smiling Face_ played and CJ and Leo let loose. He had far from the best singing voice, but this song demanded them to make it a duet. They sang Nat King Cole's _Smile, Heartbreaker_ by Dionne Warwick, and _Can't Smile Without You._ CJ sang Tiny Dancer on her own, gasping at the opening melody of the next song. 

"Oh God." She looked at her husband. "Leo." 

"I have no idea what this guy is talking about in this song, but I know you love it. You play it when you're angry or sad...I don't even know the name of it. I just flipped through one of your CDs until I found it." 

"Its called _How Soon Is Now_. It's about hating everything and everything hating you, with a desire to be loved smacked in the middle. It's an 80s college kid thing." 

Leo smiled at her. She was going to be alright, even if it wasn't today. They were going to be alright. Neither one of them regretted a single moment of this adventurous life together. 

***


End file.
